07 January 2011

Closing the gap ... 8 months lapse .... blogs I didn't write

Last year at this time, I was dealing with ... I don't know what you would call it ... Anyway, I'd recently been in the hospital ... four days (bronchitis and new exacerbated illness's). Okay, so I'd been sick. We all get sick at some time or another, I've been there before, but not like this. I was scared and I was alone. My family lives 2800 miles away.

I should have been blogging all those days. Instead, I sat in the chair worrying about things. I sat looking at the keyboard and monitor thinking I should write something and post it. I didn't know what to write. I didn't know if anyone would care. I wasn't ready to share what I was feeling or what I presumed I would be going through for however many months it would take.

I excused it away as writers block. How could that be? I'm not a writer ... I'm not on a schedule and I don't have to publish if I don't want to. So no, blogging is not construed as writing in the purest sense.

... I had doctors visits, I had testing, I had all manner of things going on around my health issues. It didn't seem I was making a whole lot of progress getting answers ... I was stressed, I was tired all the time, and I was worried how I was going to pay bills since I hadn't been working.

Scattered doctors appointments and testing throughout the many months and waiting, enough so that if I'd had a job, I'd have probably lost it. I couldn't seem to get appointments organized so I could function at a job if I'd had one.

Answers, no answers, the oncologist was scratching his head. I love this guy, he's very good at what he does. He didn't have the answers we were looking for, a clear diagnosis of what was causing the irregular blood issues. He finally suggested a consult with another oncologist who might be able to ferret out the answers we were looking for. I agreed.

I still didn't have to words to post optimistic feelings about what I was going through, and I wasn't feeling very optimistic. More waiting. I finally got an appointment to see the doctor who would consult on my case. More testing, more visits, and he was scratching his head, too. He didn't have the answers and suggested maybe removing the spleen (which had become grossly enlarged) might help the issues.

I'd blossomed from a slim 160 pounds to 190+ pounds since January. I hadn't changed my lifestyle, except I was eating better and exercising more than usual. There wasn't an answer for the weight gain, except the spleen.

I wanted to go back to work. It had been almost a year. The doctors didn't want me driving a 'big rig' (that's my job, driving 18 wheelers), they didn't recommend riding the horse either (a favored past time for me and the horse). They were concerned the spleen might rupture. I get that! But both of those things are absolutely necessary in my life.

Okay, I agreed to the surgery. I spent a week in the hospital recovering, no computer, no cigarettes (should quit anyway), and very few visitors. I don't begrudge 'my friends' not visiting in droves. No one likes to see someone they know in a hospital bed with tubes everywhere looking like death warmed over. I was sorely bored. Only bad TV, the nurses bustling about the floor, and the food! Institutional food is lousy! What food there was consisted of a clear diet. Lord, I hated that! I wanted a cheeseburger sooooooo bad!

I went home, but not to my abode. I'd moved the week before the surgery. Gone to stay with Curmudge at his place. I was glad to see my kitty's. Curmudge had taken good care of them (he's not a cat person) and they seemed to be adjusting to their new circumstances. They were not allowed outside anymore, since the move.

I wasn't writing. I still wasn't ready to share what I'd been through. I was still recovering from surgery and had some minor issues after the fact. It took a while before I was able to function at some kind of normalcy, about three weeks, I think. There was no optimism about sharing my adventures. Would anyone care? I decided not.

The good news! I can go back to work! I can ride my horse again! I haven't had any breathing issues, and I'm blogging again regularly. These are positive things in my book.

I'm healthy, removing the spleen was the answer. It weighed over 6 pounds. Yep, grossly enlarged! My blood work has leveled out to more normal levels and there are fewer, less frequent visits to the doctors.

I've closed the gap on all those months I didn't blog, and in far fewer words, than would have originally appeared .... progress. I have to let the past go. It was a trying time, stressful, full of uncertainty. I've survived. It's a new year. It's past time to move forward. I've closed the gap.